PurPle HaZe iiN mY lungS x0

I just don't like it when he humps me best friends leg

2004-12-29T00:28:04Z

This was not a good day, At all. I got in a fight with Rae, and Evan. Me and Raechel are good again, but uhm..Idk about Evan, I'm not mad at him..I can't stay mad at him, thats like staying mad at a little tiny adorible puppy..I jsut don't like it when he humps me best friends leg..not litterly, I'm talking about the dog..lol, you know what I mean. I Think i'm going over Raes tomarrow..I still needa talk to her and make sure, and like time and shit..Evan's conseeded. And I don't like that. :9 <- licking lips smiley. Uhm..I dont know what to say. Boring day..

Somewhat golden like the afternoons we use to spend before you got too cool.

2004-12-28T05:34:05Z

I'm going to say this to Raechel, and I realy do feel this way, but I don't know why I'm saying it, I just need to..

Raechel, I love you, and i know you know i love you, but I mean, i realy love you, not in a sexual way, but I love you so much that sometimes I don't even understand it, I love you so deaply that it cross's lines I never knew existed.

I just want her to know she means everything to me, And i'm not trying to cross the line between love and obsession. Because I know what obsession means, and I'm not obsessed. It's an overused word. But I love her more than my life, and anything in my life, other then, of corse her. She's my best friend and I never knew 'best friends' could ever mean something to deap to me. I just want her to understand what she means to me, and although my other friends might not mean quiet as much, I still love alla you guys to death. always.

" i got a twenty dollar bill, that says no ones ever seen you without make up. Your always made up."

Well, i havent had a dream in a wile..okay, like two nights but it's a start. A good one, I might see Raechel wednesday, unless ashley decides to hang out with her that day, in which case I won't see her untill..Idk, a long wile I'm guessing. ( I didn't mean that rudly twards ashley at all, she's always so sweet to me) EVerything's gotten so intence latley, the way I feel, the way people feel, I don't realy understand why. But maybe it's teaching me a lesson. Right now it's 12 30. and I feel like crieing, i'm not quite sure why, but, these day, i don't know anything anymore. I have a crush on this kid, but that's all it is, and all it can be, a crush. I'm havng some guy trouble, I'm still going out with nick... i just don't know anything anymore. I'm so confused.

I can't sleep, i just don't know what to do anymore.

He's aweful cute.

2004-12-26T16:50:34Z

www.picturetrail.com/jehssikah0x

I didn't have a dream last night, I wasnt thinking of anything when I went to sleep but..I was looking at a picture of Miles. He's aweful cute. But hte fact is I wasnt thinking of Her and Him. </3 and the thing is, my best friend tells me how much she loves him and that she kissed him and all this stuff..and it's almost like she doesn't care or shes starting to believe that I dont care. MY BEST FRIEND. whatever. anyways. Uhm..Miles had a dream he saw robbie last night.. I wish I saw robbie, even in my dream. I miss his eyes. and Smile. And I LOVE NICK .alot.. <3 Nick<3 "And the look in you'r eyes makes me CRAZY" <3 </3 Oh god...I can't even say it. It's Something only Raechel knows..

we walked in the house to find my dog laying on the floor diaginally across the mat dead

2004-12-26T00:51:08Z

Oh yeah, I forgot..I had another nightmare last night, I was comming home in the car and it was dark and we pulled in the driveway..it was filled with cars parked diaginly all over my drivwway, all of them had there lights on..for some reason my grandma did'nt seam scared at all or even seam to care/notice..we walked in the house ot find no-one in the house..like at all..not one person, we walked in the house to find my dog laying on the floor diaginally across the mat dead, I almost passed out and I was shakey, It seemed so real..I alked into my room to go online so I could talk to someone..I stepped a foot close to the bed to get to my computer..A hand grabbed my foot and tripped me onto the floor..I hit my throat on the monitor of my computer and fell down, He dragged me under the bed and dissapeared, ..I walked out of my room, and the dog was alive again, there were no cars in the driveway, and everything was fine again..I then assumed i was crazy and walked into the bathroom and took a raiser and cut inches deap into my upper leg, were theres a vein. I woke up at 8:30 this morning with a sharp pain in my leg and a sore throat, go figure..my leg had very thin slightly deap scrates in them and it hurts to swallow...

This has to stop...
Im so afriad of myself..

Gone..Like yesterday is Gone..You're going, going, gone...<33

2004-12-26T00:02:06Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! I LOVE NICK, lots. and lots. LOTS of love for Nick, and yeah, anyways.. I went ot my cousins today and ..it was fun I guess..I love Amanda, she's adorible. I got Pajamas, and Two sweatshirts and New shoes and A sterio and Pants and like ALOT of other stuff.. yeah.

she told him she'd rather fix her makeup
than try to fix what's going on
but the problem keeps on calling
even with the cellphone gone
she told him that she believes in living
bigger than she's living now
but her world keeps spinning backwards
and upsidedown
don't say so long in the cellphone
don't spend today away
cuz today will soon be

gone, like yesterday is gone,
like history is
gone, just trying to prove me wrong
and pretend like your immortal

she said he said live like no tomorrow
every day we borrow
brings us one step closer to the edge (infinity)
where your treasure, where's your hope
forget the world and lose your soul
she pretends like she pretends like she's immortal
don't say so long
your not that far gone
this could be your big chance to makeup
today till soon be

gone, like yeterday is gone,
like history is gone,
the world keeps spinning on,
your going going gone,
like sumemr break is gone,
like saturday is gone
just trying to prove me wrong
you pretend like your immortal your immortal

we are not infinite
we are not permanate
nothing is immediate
we're so confident
in our accomplishments
look at how dark it is

gone, like Frank Sinatra
like Elvis and his mom
like AL Pichino's cash nothing lasts in this life
my highschool dreams are gone
my childhood sweets are gone
life is a day that doesn't last for long

life is more than money
time was never money
time was never cash,
life is still more than girls
life is more than hundred dollar bills
and oh the town fills
life more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
all the riches of the kings
and up in wills we got information in the information age
but do we know what life is
outside of our conveinent Lexus cages

she said he said live like no tomorrow
every moment that we borrow
brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
hey Bono i'm glad you asked
life is still worth living, life is still worth living

Crazy In Love

2004-12-24T22:10:41Z

I wish I could trust Evan, I wish he didnt break my trust because he's the only guy friend I feel comfortable talking to..

[Other voice]
You always thought that I was doing alright
But nothing that was through a night
But I'm crazy over you
Crazy Over you
Crazy Over you
Let me go crazy crazy Over youuuuuuuuu

[Verse 1]
Can't you see what you do to me baby?Testi Canzoni
You make me crazy, you make me act like a maniac.
I'm like a lunatic, you make me sick
You truly are the only one who can do this to me
You just make me get so crazy.
I go skitzo, I get so insane I just go skitzophrenic
One minute I want to slit your throat
The next I want sex.
You make me crazy,
the way we act like 2 maniacs in the sac
We fuck like 2 jackrabbits
And maybe that's a bad habit.
Cuz the next day we're right back at it
In the same exact pattern
What the fuck is the matter with us
We can't figure out if it's
Lust or it's love
What's sad is what's attracting us to each other
They say that every man grows up to marry his own mother.
Which would explain why you're such a motherfucking bitch
But I stay and still stick it out with you even though I just hit you today
But you deserve it you hit me first and provoked me to choke you
Just cuz I came home late last night crawled in bed and I woke you.
But if there's one thing about you I admire its, baby,
Because you stay with me, maybe, because you're as crazy as I am
Cuz when I look at you I can see an angel in your eyes
But if I look deeper inside I see your freakish little side.
Like a devil in disguise,
You're always full of surprises
Always pullin' devises
Out your personal vibrators and dildos
You fucked yourself so much
You barely feel those anymore
You're only 24 but you're plenty more now.
Sure than those other little hoes
Who just act like little girls
Like they're in middle school still
You're crazy sexy cool, chillin
You play your position
You never step out of line
Even though I stay in your business
You've always kept out of mine.
I wonder whats on your mind
Sometimes they say love is blind
Maybe that's why the first time I dotted your eye
You ain't see a sign.

[with Chorus]
Or maybe you did Maybe you like me and stuff
Maybe cuz we're crazy in loooove

[Chorus]
Crazy Over you
Crazy Over you
Let me go crazy crazy Over youuuuuuuuu

[Verse 2]

You're the ink to my paper
Where my pen is to my pad
The moral, the very fiber
The whole substance to my rap.
You are my reason for being
The meaning of my existence
If it wasn't for you
I would never be able to spit this
These sentences I do wit me I am me
Is you rely on me as much
as I rely on you to inspire me like you do.
You provide me the lighterfluid to fuel my fire
You're my entire supply
Gas, the match, the igniter.
The only way that I am able to stay so stable
Is you're the legs to my table
If you were to break I'd fall on my face.
But I'm always going to make you feel
I don't need you as much as I really need you
So you don't use it to your advantage.
But you're essential to me
You're the air I breathe
I believe if you ever leave me
I'd probably have no reason to be.
You are the Kim to my Marshall
You're the Slim to my Shady
The Dre to my Eminem
The Elaina to my Hailey.
You are the word I am looking for when
I'm trying to describe how I feel inside
And the right one just won't come to my mind.
You're like the pillar that props me up
The beam that supports me
The bitch who never took half,
The wife who never divorced me.
You're like the root to my evil
You let my devil come out me
You let me beat the shit out you
Before you beat the shit out me.

[with Chorus]

And no matter how much
Too much is never enough
Maybe cuz we're crazy in loooove

[Chorus]
I'm Crazy Over you
Crazy Over you
Let me go crazy crazy Over youuuuuuuuu

It doesnt change a thing, It just makes my stomach hurt and me hate Jake

2004-12-24T21:49:27Z

Evan's not going to hurt Raechel, he doesn't want to, and when he called..He made me feel so bad I cried, he's not like most guys, and I was right about that when I said it the first day we started going out. He's sweet and adorible, and I miss him lots, and I don't know, Raechels so lucky, he's one of the only guys I know that achaully care about shit, I can talk to him, and I...I dont know anymore, And Raechel just came to the house and I miss her already, and It might of been less wierd if I was dressed lmao. I Love her so much, like so much, like more then all the money in the world and all the guys I think i like..If i had a choise I'd pick her over any of those. I love her so much..

Evan said he's a vergin because he didnt bust in me, well if he did I woulda killed him.
He said I am too because Chas didn't and eather did He (Evan), but he thinks thats all the poeple I've done.
And he's wrong. Very wrong, and When he said that he made me think of *it* and then I didn't feel good.
And now I don't feel good, And I decided that I should stay as far away from Jake as possible at least for now, thats probally the right thing to do, if I wanna stop this, No more tix and no more drugs, I;m goina clean.

I'm not a vergin, and he can be if he wants to be?
It doesnt change a thing, It just makes my stomach hurt and me hate Jake.

i got up and got a knife and slept with it, I woke up with a knife in my hand

2004-12-24T18:25:52Z

One day till Christmas, I get to see Raechel this vacation...If Evan hurts Raechel, I swear I'll kick his ass..I <3 Rae. I'm totaly still in love with him (Rae knows who) And I can't help it, because I love him..Agg, and way to many guys like me, which makes me wicked confused to who I realy like, But i know who I realy like. ah, yeah enough with my love life..I saw mike wright or however he spells it at christams tree, I was wharing a zero hat that I stole from matt A. and I was whering Jade's nightmare before christmas sweatshirt, and mike looked at me like...what the hell are you whereing? and I gave him this look like..woah. I say ali roy..and uhm. I saw Jess zent. I wish I had gone to the mall later on that night though because I would of seen people I achaully cared about. I have a boyfriend I need to care about him...IM SO FUCKING CONFUSeDD! Christmas is tomarrow..yay? I need Raechel to make the layout I picked because I'm bored of this one. And I <3 Eminem. and *him* And I'm scared of myself becasue I have bad nightmares and I hurt myself in my dreams and when I wake up there are scratches on my body. I woke up today and I had scatches on my wrists and on my left cheek. So I cut my nails so I couldn't scratch myself again but I'm scared that I'll get up and get something to hurtt myself with, because I know that I get up in my sleep one time I ripped my poster down in my sleep and the other night i got up and got a knife and slept with it, I woke up with a knife in my hand two nights ago. And I had a dream this scary thing was torturing me, and hurting me and saying evil things and scatching my wrists and when I pulled its heart out and on it's heart it said "RaechelMC" just like that. and I don't know what that means but I woke up with scratches all over my body and it hurt to take a shower..I wish it would stop, I hate it. And it scares me, Three nights ago I woke up scared out of my mind and crieing, but I couldnt remember the dream, and ALOT of times I'll like just of fallen asleep and I'll have this dream about like walking down steps and I'll fall because the step isn't there and it like jults me (like that feeling when your tipping your chair back and it achaully starts to fall you get realy realy shoked and eather fall outta the chair or catch yourself in time) and I wake up. I hate this, I use to be able to controle my dreams but I can't anymore and it scares me so much. It makes me not want to fall asleep. Well Nick's on, Im goina go talk to him and look up somes shit about dreams to see whats wrong wiht me..also I had a doctors app. the other day, he said I have 'Autophobia' he told me not to worry about it, but he never told me what it is..anyone know or wanna tell me?

I'd never do it again I learned my lesson, But it's so fucking horrible

2004-12-23T15:56:09Z

Okay, well this is one of the biggest things that have ever happend to me and It happend a long time ago and It kills me and I have nightmares about it, and I find myself crying about it one second and the next not even caring about it. And I HATE it, I wish I had never did that, Only Raechel knows what I'm talking about..well she may not know what the hell I'm talking about right now but shes knows...like what happend if I told her what i was talking about. AH! It happend a wile ago and I'd never do it again I learned my lesson, But it's so fucking horrible..I felt so bad, and I threw up. And I cried. And Now I'm having nightmares every night. It's so bad and grose and If anyone knew..Omg. I can't even think about it makes me cry. And I'm now complaoining and after I say this I'm totaly going to stop..It's just that, I know however read this heard about her every day, but..I HATE IT, she pays NO attention to me when we're on the phone..shes eather talking abone with people, listeing to realy loud music, or she has to go because Evan is calling. I haven't talked to her in a week..Like talked to her and gotten to tell her anything. Not like she realy wantes to hear anything form me anyways..but shes only my best friend and It bother the hell outta me..and when we're online all she does it say hi whats up and thats all. and then I get to look at all her away messages that say I love Evan, or read her journal. That use to be like "Omg, I saw Jehs today, I love her so much! I miss her." And now it's ..I saw jehs today, I SAW EVAN TOO <33 I love him so much I can't even say." And I don't ever see her anymore..like ever, and all she does it put the effort to see Evan in and doesnt even bother with me anymore. AND SHE CAN SEE EVAN WHENEVER, WHAREEVER she wantes, She'll probally never see me again. And she does;nt care.

Whatever.

Jehs*Marie

I kissed him again when I wasn't as nervouse*:.

2004-12-23T00:52:48Z

Nick just left..As in..HE WAS AT MY HOUSE, WITH ME..for me, he scared the crap outta me when he showed up at my window..but then he came in and I just talked to him from like 4-6 and then we were fooling around, and he kissed me and I got MAD nervouse and like spazzed..and then I kissed him again when I wasn't as nervouse and it worked out better and then I was all like, what would you say if I was a guy? And he looked at me..and was like, uhm..i'd wipe my lips and walk away from you. I was like oh :-) don't worry I'm girl, because IM SURE HE'S HURD ENOUHG FROM EVAN, WHO TOLD KARA AND JESS ZENT STUFF ABOUT ME, I'm not going ot say what but it startes with a T...Guys..are..losers...that can't keep SECRETS. I mean it's nothing I care about or, nothing BAD, becasue if it was I'd be mad right now lol. And I'm not, and today In math...it's freshman kill day and matt got punched like a million times wicked wicked hard and I felt bad..I felt sick..Bu that kid that hit matt..I don't like him, hes fucking crazii, and also..Sean? Shawn? w/e lol he was like.."Jess.." I was like yeahhh... and he was like "I like you" and I didn't know what to say because like a million other people told me he liked me I just had always had a boyfriend like everysecond so I didn't know what to say so I said "oh" and then i felt bad because that might seem like I don't like him and I do, he's cute but my boyfriend..I love him. And yeah..I dont know i felt bad for some reason..OKay I need to stop writing in my journal this entry is to long, but one last thing I needa tell you, I feel like Raechel is to buisy caring about Evan to care about me, she's to buisy with evan to even..notice me anymore and I feel like she's just fading away into a world away from me..Idk, Im goina go eat more M&Ms..

Jehs*Marie

maybe I'm blowing this way out of purportion but..

2004-12-21T01:38:15Z

Sorry, I haven't written in my journal for a wile, I've just been buisy..I guess whatever. Uhm..I'm not even going to mention her name because she too buisy with him, and I'm to buisy trying to pretend I don't care, and that I'm not jelouse. And..he's PERFECT. Like. I hope, she know's that. She has me. but she doesn't care. And I mean..who would, when you have him. mr. perfect, and I mean I can't hate him because all he's doing is trying to help like sometimes more me then her. And it drives me insane because he's so perfect and I had him, and I lost him, to her, like always. Because there PERFECT together because she's PERFECT, and now I'm losing her to him because ..maybe I'm blowing this way out of purportion but..Something is very weird.. Do you wanan hear the phone conversation with Evan? Me: hey, have you talked to raechel? Evan: What's wrong? Me: ..Nothing.. Evan: Jess..Whats wrong? Me: it's just that, I wish she would pay attention to me, becaus before.. Evan : It use to be you and Raechel, Me: And now.. Evan: it's me and Raechel.. Me: kinda like that, yeah... Evan: I gotta go but, here, I'll talk to Raechel about it for you.. Me: Okay?
-Serously, Who can't think THAT'S perfect..

and...and..and..I FUCKED HIM
((HE USE TO BE MINE!))

But uhm.. I love Nick?.. Or uhm maybe, I say that so that, I can pretend that I'm replacing her with Nick. To see if maybe that will get her attention, but I'm done, because..It didn't work.. But like realy..I do like Nick, ALOT, and I hope he doesn't hurt me again, because I REALY REEAALLYY Like him.. <33

Oh well, I'm goina take a shower and get to sleep, tomarrows a long day..and, I might get to see him wednesday.. <333 I'm on the phon with him <33

She never really...acted like this to me before and maybe I just need to get use to it...

Jehssikah Marie*
I LOVE NICCKK!

And Then Nick Stole A Mento From me..And Ate it..<3

2004-12-18T21:58:44Z

Went ice skating today, Raechel, Evan, Ally, Steve, Nick, Heather And Her Boyfriends were there. Things were wierd, but uhm..I love Raechel..Evan is..Evan and I Like Nick..And Heather is sooooooo sweet! Well i'm home alone and I'm goina go do something I would'nt normal do with my grandma home..Okay, I didn't mean that in a sexual way.

A Penis Shaped Piece of Paper..*

2004-12-17T23:15:00Z

Today was nothing exciting..I got mad at miles in History..Okay..serously, he threw a penis shaped piece of paper at me and asked if it reminded me of Evan..SEROUSLY, the Evan thing is OVER, for all you non-sluts who think it's a big deal, it's not, it's over and no more talk of it is needed.. <3 Matt G. Scared the shit out of me today. Im standing there and he comes up behind me and SCREAMS FUCK!!! in my ear. I almost jumped out of my skin..Omg. Bobbie was in abad mood because of Jess and Kara? I think, that wa no fun, I think (no offence to them) that they need to stop getting mad at her because of stupid shit because it hurts her and It wasn't even her fault.

Since you've been gone.
I can breathe for the first time.
I'm so moving onnnn!!!! YEAH YEAH..

*Sings into Hair Brush*

I'm drinking a Coffee Coolata *:.

2004-12-17T21:02:57Z

[x]= yes
[0]=no

[x] kissed someone.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[x] shoplifted.
[0] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[x] broken a bone.
[0] got hit by a car.
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[0] been arrested.
[0] gone in a mosh pit.
[0] stole something from your job.
[0] celebrated new years in times square.
[0]had a crush on a teacher.
[0] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[0] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[x] lost your sibling. (like... died, or in the supermarket? hmm)
[x] played 'clue.'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[x] been cheated on
[0] had a sweet sixteen.
[0] had your tonsils out.
[0] had a car.
[0] Totaled a car.
Do you...
[0] have a bf.
[x] have a gf.
[x] feel loved.
[0] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[0] hate yourself.
[0] think youre attractive
[x] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[0] listen to Hawaiian Music.
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[0] listen to country.
[x] listen to reggae.
[0] listen to techno.
[x] have hobbies.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[0] get good grades.
[0] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers.
[x] wear boxers
[x] wear black eyeliner
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color pink.
[0] cyber.
[?] claim.
[0] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[0] have long hair.
[x] have short hair.
[0] have a cell phone.
[0] have a laptop.
[0] have a pager.
Are you...
[0] ugly.
[0] pretty.
[0] inbetween.
[x] Handsome.
[x] bored.
[x] happy.
[0] bilingual.
[0] Hawaiian.
[0] Samoan.
[0] Filipino.
[0] Korean.
[0] Polish.
[0]Irish.
[0]German
[0] Italian.
[0] Black.
[0] Spanish.
[0] Asian.
[0] short.
[0] tall.
[x] realistic.
[x] sick.
[0] mad.
[x] lazy.
[0] single.
[0] taken.
[x] looking
[0] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[0] scared to die.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy.
[0] annoyed.
[0] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[x] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[0] eating something.
[0] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.

I WANNA TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES!

2004-12-16T22:22:02Z

I Drank 4 coffe coolatas today =), Andrew<3 Don't you love that name..I do..And the name bengie..how HOTT, Jake is being an asshole and he decided he likes COURTNY better then me..Whatever lol. * No more making out with Jake* ((MAD)) Anyways. Cashed in my checks in the bank today, I have 40 dollers now <3 And I Love Raechel, <3, I want my name or be 'Holli' Or 'Jade' I like those, Do you like some of these names to name a kid when I'm older? Stella Middle name Jade or uhmm How about Ginger Leave a comment for a good middle name for that one. And if its a boy I'm going to name him..Andrew -Middle Name- Jade..<3 or uhmm...Dillon And -middle name- Rain? I'm not realy sure which ones..Oh well..So uhm, HE HUGGED ME TODAY! <33333 I had a dream last night that my Jake stole my weed, and I was like NO ! and then i got mad and screamed and Ripped down the poster from his wall and when i woke up..I found my lovley poster ripped off my wall and in shreds =( now my wall looks plain..I serously want to change my name or Holli or Jade <3 Oh yeah, Lindsey dumped Chas for me today, he took it well and he still sat with me at lunch and we're still friends.. AND AND AND...AND! When I graduate from high school me and Raechel are going to Cali and MOLLY IS SO COMMING *didn't ask molly yet but still* and Were staying for 10 days going to Universal studios in LA and maybe comming back..lol ;) *Smiles widley* m1 l: i love cali ((Miles loves Cali))
m1 l: word oh
m1 l: id def take that over drugs
m1 l: once u get to cali
m1 l: its no prob finding drugs
m1 l: i went to sand diego
m1 l: san
m1 l: its soooo fuckin nice

(( I wonder if he thinks about anything..
Other the druggss..? ))

Lol

All Of ThisSs..

2004-12-15T20:36:14Z

With all of this I know now
everything inside of my head
it all just goes to show how
nothing I know changes me at all
again I wait for this to change instead
to tear the world in two
another night with her
but I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
we know where we go
use me Holly come on and use me
we go where we know

With all of this I feel now
everything inside of my heart
it all just seems to be how
nothing I feel pulls at me at all
again I wait for this to pull apart
to break my time in two
another night with her
but I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
we know where we go
use me Holly come on and use me
we go where we know

She's all I need
she's all I dream
she's all I'm always wanting
she's all I need
she's all I dream
she's all I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
we know where we go
use me Holly come on and use me
we go where we know

She's all I need
she's all I dream
she's all I'm always wanting
she's all I need
she's all I dream
she's all I'm always wanting you

Oh, again, I wait for this
to fill our homes and shake the sky in two
another night with her
I'm always wanting you
another night with her
but I'm always wanting you

ecstasy_x @ 2004-12-15T15:10:00

2004-12-15T20:33:53Z

Choose a band or artist and answer only in song titles by that band/artist: Blink 182

Are you female or male: the girl Next Door
Describe yourself: Obvious
How do some people feel about you: Easy Target
How do you feel about yourself: Emo
Describe your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend: I'm lost without you
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Don't Leave Me
Describe where you want to be: Carousel
Describe what you want to be:Enthused
Describe how you live: Boring
Describe how you love: Roller Coaster
Share a few words of wisdom: I'm Sorry

Throws up

2004-12-15T16:35:29Z

Okay well you see yestersay, I was hanging out with chas..outsde, at 24 degrees, and my toes were frozen solid..I was so fucking cold, I serously did'nt think I could get that cold. Okay well I come home around 5, do all my homo work, call Raechel (she had to go because EVAN was on the other line) uge, * I wish for once EVAN was being ditched for me..whatever* that makes me mad. Okay well I called back later and we were both doing seperate things, Me *singing blink182 and studying* her working on something for live journal, she got tired and had to go. I went down to the lake and got stoned with Jacob and then he had to walk me home and gimme a boost up to the window. Okay well I tried to go to sleep except, couldn't, I layed in bed, And my skin was tingling and I was trying to go to sleep but I randomly started laughing and I couldn't stop. Okay well finally I went to sleep. I wake up at 4 o' clock. I get up. EVERYTHING was fucking spinning, like that feeling you get when you spin around and around and then lay on the floor and everything spins? Except..it wouldnt stop..I went back to bed, woke up again and 5:50 and the same thing was still happening, I start spazzing out tell my grandma that I can't go to school and go back to bed again. I wake up at 7, walk, or try to walk to the livingroom and watch some music videos. Everything still spinning, the worst headace of my life, I feel like I'm goina throw up and my skin feels like someones sticking knifes in me. I go running to the bathroom and throw up 4 times. My grandma is at a appointment untill 11. I get some juice from the fridge, spill it EVERYWHERE, clean up and go tripping back to the living room, I finally start feeling a little better, not as sick, my skin still hurts and I still have a bad headace but I'm better, my grandma comes home and she felt bad so she bought me a coffee colata, *can't spell* So here I am, feeling like shit, writing it in my livejournal, at least I didn't have to go to school. =) My head fucking kills and I don't wanna get put of this chair because then everything will start spinning again. I'm not sure if I'm sick because of being outside in the cold, or because of getting stoned, but this has never hapend to me before..I'm goins sit in tis chair and listen to mucis, My hair is as curly as fuck because I didn't straiten it, my skin is as pail as i've ever seen it, It feels like it's 39872 Degress one minutes and the next it feels like Im bathing In ice..And the funny thing is, One year ago, this is EXACTLY what I swore I'd NEVER end up like..=\..

AMAZING Life <3

2004-12-14T01:24:21Z

The day just gets more AMAZING every second, I love my life soo much, I'm going out with Chas and I realy don't care what anyone else thinks. Anthony Likes Raechel ALOT and wants to go out with her, I know shes goina read this so i don't realy have to say anything to her I'm not goina push her if she's happy with Evan thats cool, Evans a cool kid, it'd just be cool if she was going out with Anthony, hes adorible <3 I love my life more than anything, okay well I love Raechel more, well Raechels like my life anyways lol. Yeah well I'm going stop typing and check what my home dawg Stephanie just wrote in the IM *has no life* =) I'll post after school tomarrow..

JessMarie*

ecstasy_x @ 2004-12-12T12:02:00

2004-12-12T17:04:43Z

Wanna read two writings I did?

BestFriendsForever*

Sometimes I think I just live in my own world...Just trying to escape form the world we realy all live in, A world of evil looks, fake smiles, un*true rumars and broken hearts, A world where the only thing true is love... the kind of love where you want to spend every minute in his arms, and when you're with him the >o n l y< place you want to be is closer. The kind of love where you sit out on the corner of your street at night looking at the streetlights with a piece of sidewalk chalk in your hand, writing his name inside a heart on the bumpy black tar wishing he was doing the same. But in this world even the most tempting things are only illiutions, friendships almost never last forever and innocents it rarley found. A world where we swim in oceans of tears and we spend most of our time wishing not doing. A world where we're afraid of believing and only the lucky people have a true best friend that's always there to make you smile and to wipe away your tears...I guess I was just lucky

RaechelMarieCapra

I know he's goina hurt me...I just know, nothing good ever lasts for me, I have all these people wanting to harm me because of my own human mistakes..as if they had never made a mistake they regret, I want to just live on my own little island, just me and my only true love, my best friend. Where the sun never comes out and it will always rain ..only so that way we can dance in it together forever. Not that anyone cares what I desire. A world free of mistakes and harmful wishes..It's only a dream away. Why can't people keep secrets..instead of telling others as if it's a game to see how many people find out? I keep secrets, thousands of them locked inside of me, wanting to spill my heart to the next person who says they truley love me. But in this world you can't trust a single person, not even youself so I deny myself the right to even believe peoples feelings for me, in fear of letting my dreams free and watching them swim away..And sometimes I believe the feeling's I think I have for people are realll...only to discover that the more I trust in myself or anybody else the more I have to watch as the people/things closest to me fade away.. It brings tears to my eyes every night as I try to escape into my dreams. Sometimes I lay outside at night so I can look up at the stars* and wonder why everything can't be so beautiful. I look up at the sky and think of all the memories I had with her, and all the times she made me smile, I would'nt trade them for the world.<33

-I did that one wile I was going out wiht Evan In case you're wondering lol..

Just Made A New Website!!

2004-12-12T17:01:24Z

http://pap3rcut0x.tripod.com/

^ that's my website, it took 3 days so don't be mean if it sucks lol

If Your Goina Post And Not Tell me Your Name, Don't post At all!

2004-12-12T14:24:10Z

:|X|:What Would You do if..?
:|X|:I cried:
:|X|:I asked you to help:
:|X|:I died from natural causes:
:|X|:I said I liked you:
:|X|:I kissed you:
:|X|:I stole something:
:|X|:I was hospitalized:
:|X|:I ran away from home:
:|X|:I got in a fight and you were there:
:|X|:I got dumped:
:|X|:I pissed you off:

:|X|:What Do You Think Of My..?
:|X|:Personality:
:|X|:Eyes:
:|X|:Face:
:|X|:Hair:
:|X|:Clothes:
:|X|:Voice:
:|X|:Humor:
:|X|:Choice of music:
:|X|:Mannerisms:
:|X|:Family:
:|X|:Body:
:|X|:Friends:
:|X|:Decisions:

:|X|:Would You..?
:|X|:Be my friend:
:|X|:Tell me the truth no matter what:
:|X|:Lie to make me feel better:
:|X|:Spread rumors about me:
:|X|:Keep a secret if I told you one:
:|X|:Loan me some cash:
:|X|:Hold my hand:
:|X|:Keep in touch:
:|X|:Try and solve my problems:
:|X|:Love me:
:|X|:Have Sex with me:
:|X|:Ditch me:
:|X|:Use me:

ecstasy_x @ 2004-12-11T18:56:00

2004-12-12T00:15:12Z

I decided to update..Again..haha, anyways, this has been the most boring day of mylife, I'm working on a website, I'll post it in here as soon as I'm done with it in a couple days <33

Okay, I have no Life.. <33

2004-12-11T13:15:00Z

Okay well I just woke up and Just to let everyone know, Last night I drank Three Two liter bottles of soda and I have never had to pee so much in my life..Yeah and anyways, I decided that It realy hurts me that Evan and Raechel are going out, like it kills me..But no one cares and no ones about to do anything about it that I would like so I'm just goina pretend I don't care anymore..And plus, Evan is ADORIBLE and Raechel is AMAZING, I am not mad or I dont have anything agenst any of them, I have something MAJOYRY agenst this whole Evan and Raechel Siduation and Raechels away messages that Say i love Evan and her Info that I use to say I Love Jess and I got taken out and replaced with Evan, and the fact that she'd hang up on me in a second and spend the rest of the night on the phone with him, thats the only thing that gets me mad. But I love school, and Life and evetything is perfectt, ((and I love playing secret agents and falling over the wall with Caroline at school)) And christmas is comming up REALY soon!! And annyways, when Raechel are Evan are done ((And I serously they won't last as long as Kimmi nd Evan)), me and Raechel will still be best friends and It won't hurt as much. =) And one more thing, ANYONE Who has a problem with the music I like, I don't just like one kind of music I like anything that I think sounds good, And eather way It's what I'M Listeing to not what YOUR Listeing to so it's not your buisness so shut the fuck up, go eat shit and die. :)

ecstasy_x @ 2004-12-10T22:40:00

2004-12-11T12:51:07Z

But Reachel Loves me so it's all good. Because I love Raechel ALOT. Okay well as you can tell, I cannot make up my mind weather I'm mad, sad, angry or happy at Evan and Raechel..AHH!! I'm so confused..Miles told me not o kill Evan, then he said somthing about a monkey flieing into a skyscraper..I enjoy talking to Miles very much. I have no idea why. I'm on the phone with Raechel and shes sining Drive by Frickin'A and blow drying her hair and I love her..<33